It’s been what - two or three weeks since I posted anything? I am not dead…. just dead tired. The healthy eating thing crashed into a wall at full speed, I’ve been horrible lately…. I don’t think I am ready to make this change, not yet.
The man that raped me is back in town, he went to my parents house on Tuesday night, looking for me. I am petrified. I saw him walking past my work yesterday - after not seeing his face in seven years, I thought I might have finally forgotten what it looked like. nope. I am having to force myself to eat now, because as soon as I found out he was back in town - I lost my appetite entirely. I am not taking in enough calories and due to the constant high levels of stress/anxiety/all the extra work my brain has to do just to leave the house in the morning and make it through the day without hyperventilating in public…. means that I am exhausting too much energy. The thought of eating anything makes me feel like I might throw up. Other than lemon water, I haven’t wanted to put anything in my mouth for three days now. I forced myself to eat some pizza Tuesday night. Yesterday I had 1/3 of a horribly dry turkey sandwich at lunch - and four bites of steak with dinner. I am tired. I can’t function. I can hardly breathe. I brought a package of Mr.Noodles to have for lunch today - and I think I’ll exist on coffee until I am done working. I have tomorrow and this weekend off - so I can go hide in my house and not worry that he’ll find me.
When he walked by my work, I was outside smoking. He was on the other side of the street. I kept thinking that he’d see me and come over and…. well, I don’t know what would happen - but I was afraid. He just walked by. Didn’t even recognize me. For the first time in a long time, I am glad for how much I weigh…. it probably saved my life.
I have no clue what I am doing right now. I have too much other stuff to worry about, I can’t dedicate myself to loosing weight and eating healthy with everything that’s going on. Hopefully, as the days pass and I get used to him being back in town - I’ll come to some sort of resolve and start living my life again. At the moment, I’ll just have to make do with forcing myself to eat and sleep. I’m sure I’ll get through - but I wont be on tumblr much.
I’ll be back, followers… but I need some time. Goodluck on your journey’s, see you soon.